Dating with a chronic illness — when do you tell them?

You are not drowning alone. And the guilt about saying you're drowning when your daughter is the sick one — I know that feeling intimately. What helps me: therapy (cannot overstate this), 30 minutes a day that's just MINE (usually a walk or reading), and being honest with my wife about when I need a break. It took a long time to stop feeling selfish about that last one. You can't be a good caregiver if you're falling apart. Taking care of yourself IS taking care of your daughter.

Fellow caregiver husband here. The medical coordinator thing resonated — sometimes I feel more like a secretary/nurse than a partner and it's exhausting. I started rock climbing 6 months ago. Just once a week, for an hour. It's completely unrelated to illness or caregiving and it's MINE. Having one thing that's just for me, not for anyone else, has kept me sane. Find your thing. It doesn't have to be big. Just something that's yours.

As the sick person with a caregiver parent: PLEASE take care of yourself. I know my mom runs herself into the ground for me and it breaks my heart because I can see how tired she is and I know she won't admit it. Your daughter probably sees the same thing. She probably worries about YOU. Taking time for yourself is not selfish — it's necessary. And your daughter would want you to.

I'm a dad caregiver and the guilt is the constant companion isn't it? "How can I be tired when she's the one suffering?" But we ARE tired. And pretending we're not doesn't help anyone. I finally joined a caregiver support group (online, because finding time to go in person is its own challenge) and just hearing other parents say the same things I'm feeling... it helped more than I expected. You're not a bad mom for being overwhelmed. You're a human being carrying an enormous weight.

I'm a caregiver sister and I just want to say: the fact that you're asking this question means you're already a step ahead. A lot of caregivers don't even realize they need to take care of themselves until they completely break down. My one piece of advice: stop waiting for permission. You don't need permission to take care of yourself. Schedule it like a medical appointment. Put it in the calendar. Make it non-negotiable. An hour. Even 30 minutes. Whatever you can get.